stupid metaphors and headaches

headaches are like stupid metaphors

lame but necessary

they come on in a flash, leaving you dumbfounded and angry

only to make you realize how good life is when they’re done and gone

 

..and also like stupid poems, except those only make you happy when they’re gone.

 

How do you feel knowing I just stole thirty seconds of your life?

Meet Babette

Image

 

This is what’s taken up so much of my time, and consumed a better portion of my otherwise lifeless soul: Babette!

The newest member of our family is a rollie pollie little ball of french bulldog joy. At four months old she’s just starting to lose her puppy teeth but has already stolen our hearts.

 

Super Villain

if I was a Super Villan

i would have super powers

 

 

mass hypnosis, mind broadcasting

like a big blabbery radio station in your head

that never turns off

 

 

i would wear neon pink and green

and a horrible cowboy hat with

“GET ‘ER DONE”

printed in rhinestone across the front

 

 

i would make every day “tuna surprise” day

served with a side of unidentifiable wilted spinach snot souffle

and curdled goat milk ice-cream

 

 

to each cat I would apply four pieces of tape

scramble and moon walk, kitty

scramble and moon walk

 

 

to doctor’s offices and hospitals

another two hour’s wait!

 

 

screaming children would instantly turn into frogs

which i would collect in a jar

and laugh at ever hour, on the hour

 

 

if i was a Super Villain

i would make Halloween a national holiday

and give everyone the next day off

only to roll around the floor laughing

when they realize my beer-candy laser of doom has annihilated

any shred of purpose the holiday once had

 

 

i would pinch cheeks

smash mailboxes

and step on the lawn

 

 

i would rule with a crazy iron fist

if i was a Super Villain